Baby Blues

I had Baby Blues with my first child and the culture shock of going from being very independent and going out socialising whenever I wanted to, to being in charge of another human being was such a drastic change I think I went into shock.  I spent the first year of my child’s life on auto-pilot and it still remains a blur to this day.  Thankfully children don’t remember back that far and I like to think I made up for it since.  Don’t misunderstand me, I loved my child from the moment I laid eyes on her beautiful peachy face, but the constant feeding, changing, washing and packing with military precision for a trip to the shops all blurred into one.  The lack of sleep in the first few months was enough to send me over the edge.  For someone who loves their sleep this was particularly hard for me.  I think anyone who is deprived of sleep feels like a zombie and everyday things become much harder to deal with.  I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat when no one was around, where had the bubbly laid back young woman gone?  I tried to put on a front when around others and pretend everything was fine.  I would see other mothers out and about as though it was so easy and felt a failure because I wasn’t able to effortlessly transition into motherhood. 

My first born was an angel and barely cried or caused any issues so why did I feel so ‘flat’ and devoid of emotion (apart from crying).  Although we as a society are more open about these things it still wasn’t the ‘norm’ to discuss it, so I just plodded along.  Then just before she turned 1 years old, it was like a lightbulb went off in my head and I suddenly awoke from the slumber.  I still don’t know how or why it happened, then the guilt overtook and I felt bad for not giving my child everything she deserved and more.  She was well fed, clean, had nice clothes, a nicely decorated bedroom, had more toys than Hamley’s and wanted for nothing, but there was no enthusiasm, no depth from me as a mummy.  I was just going through the motions like a robot, so I made sure I made up for it once I ‘woke up’.  I went on to have an amazing bond and relationship with my child, she was my mini me and went everywhere with me, so much so, I thought after a few years I would do it all again, and got pregnant with my second child when my daughter was around 5 years old.  How difficult can it be I thought, my first child was in full time school and I had this motherhood thing sussed now, or so I thought! 

A second child is a totally different ball game.  Hellooo! I didn’t get baby Blues this time round but I found it incredibly hard to manage 2 children compared to 1.  My 2nd born was a very different character/personality to my 1st born, he was very active and into everything and anything, you couldn’t take your eyes off him for a second.  I was worried by daughter would become neglected as I focused so much of my attention just trying to keep my son from hurting himself or doing something dangerous.  Going out became such a mission I ended up staying home most of the time until he was around 5 and reached full time school, where thankfully he began to calm down and mellow out.  Only when they were both in full time school did I begin feel ‘normal’ again.  Also going back to part time work helped as it made me feel normal, like the old me, before children and gave me something other than children to focus my mind on.  I take my hat off to full time mothers as this is the hardest job in the world and not recognised enough in my opinion.   Both my children are now adults and are both amazing in different ways, they are actually closer as adults than they ever were as children.  So it all worked out well and I would do it all again in a heartbeat, but I will never forget those first few years of their early lives.  

I hope my story has helped you or anyone you know who is a new mummy going through something similar, you are normal and it is Ok not to be OK. I know it’s a cliché but there is light at the end of the tunnel and things will get easier as they grow and also as you grow as a parent.  Obviously some parents suffer really severe depression, which is not the same as Baby Blues and they may need medical help and support from their GP, which I would always encourage someone to see help if needed, but for me I managed to get through it hanging on by my fingernails with the support of my amazing family and friends.  At the end of it all you may feel as though you have gone through a hurricane and come out a bit battered and bruised, but it is worth it as you have created this amazing little human!  You also feel an amazing sense of achievement, if you can do this you can do anything, you got this!  Well done you!

Stay blessed.

Marvellous Menopause – Part 2

So firstly, you are not going mad.  I find it really interesting that every female blessed enough to live long enough for the Menopause, still doesn’t really know, if and when, they are starting it.  Every female goes through it, now don’t get me wrong, we have come a long way since our parents’ time, there are a wide variety of medication and sites relating to it, yet somehow we are still baffled when we experience it. 

Everyone’s experience is slightly different, and people experience different symptoms but they are all basically the same, just differing degrees.  I wonder if it is because until it actually happens no one really speaks about it in great detail.

I myself have been in the Menopause for approx. 5-6 years now and some of my friends started before me and some after me, yet we never really discussed it until now.  So, as I previously stated everyone experiences it slightly different and at different degrees, for me though I genuinely thought I was going mad (that really is an understatement), my anxiety/paranoia shot through the roof, I had migraines (something I never had pre-menopause) my whole body just ached as though I had done a marathon, I had no motivation whatsoever and could quite happily sit on my bed all day and not do a thing, then last but not least, the lovely hot flushes, I only had the odd one and didn’t pour sweat like I had seen from friends/colleagues, instead I just felt hot from within, like someone had turned the thermostat up.  This was even before my periods stopped, then one day I didn’t have a period and haven’t had one since (no spotting, or on/off for me, just complete stop).

The worst part out of all of it was the mental ‘fog’, I would forget words as if my brain had been turned off, I recall one day I was on the phone to a friend, giving her a recipe for something, I said “when you finish, sprinkle some…. on it”, I was trying to say Thyme, I could visualise it and knew what I wanted to say, but the word stuck and for the life of me I couldn’t recall what it was called or say it, I ended up saying sprinkle some ‘herbs’ on it, it had me so flustered.  Imagine forgetting what a Chair was called!!

Then there was the anxiety/paranoia, something again, pre-menopause I had never suffered with, I was always a laid back, go with the flow kind of person, so this was all new to me.  I could no longer multi-task and had to compartment everything in order to function, I began to have mini panic attacks and hated going into crowded spaces.  I really thought I was going mad or having some sort of breakdown, I would get flashes of anger where I would snap at the smallest things.  I would constantly forget conversations I would have with my family and repeat myself.

Then I happened to lose a lot of weight so I decided enough is enough and went to the Dr’s, where several blood tests later, I was diagnosed as being in the Menopause.  I was the right age so I don’t know why the penny didn’t drop before, maybe I thought the symptoms would be different, but it all now made sense.  So I tried to muddle through for a while (I didn’t want to take HRT due to family medical history) but it just got worse, so I thought I would try some herbal over the counter remedies, a few friends recommended some to me, it took a while to find one that worked for me, but I did find one called Meno Complex by Purolabs, which is fantastic.   It can only be ordered online and is slightly more expensive than high street versions, but it works well for me.  I feel normal again, I still get my hot flushes but nothing serious and can function as a normal person again.  I also do Yoga and Pilates online which really helps to keep me supple and keep the anxiety at bay.

The other side of it is the effect it has on family members, didn’t really think about it before but it does affect them.  I sat mine down and explained everything I was feeling and going through, they sympathise and try to be supportive but in a house full of males they don’t really understand or get it.

I hope I am over the other side of my Menopause as I know it can last 10 years for some, I hope this has helped you if you are reaching your mid to late 40’s, or even if you are already experiencing any of the above, I suggest you get tested and get treatment for it asap.  Medication and exercise definitely help and I would recommend it to anyone.  If anyone needs support or just someone to listen, my door is always open. Stay blessed 😊

The Relationship

Every time I think of you,
A smile creeps onto my face,
No one understands, if only they knew,
I can feel every perfect trace,
Not long now before I see your face,
I can’t take the waiting anymore,
I feel so sick as I stoop to the floor,
I can’t breathe I start to sweat,
You’re almost here, I can safely bet,
I await with such anticipation,
Oh the joy! Oh what elation!
A mass of gorgeous brown curls,
Your eyes are like cloudy pearls,
Your skin so soft, pure and clear,
You are all that I hold dear,
You look at me with eyes of wonder,
I look back at you even fonder,
As the figure draws closer on the ward,
The nurse takes you to cut the cord.

Springtime

Spring is here and I feel excited for the warmer climate, however brief.  It sounds corny but everything seems nicer in the sunshine.  Although for those that know me, it’s a long way off before the toes come out lol.  The flowers and plants come to life in an abundance of colours.

Time for BBQ’s, water fights, social gatherings outdoors, and just chilling in the garden, all the things I love about warm weather.  People are nicer and happier, although some clothing choices are cringeworthy lol.  The only down side is working in an office when the sun is shining, I long to be out there, being in tune with the universe and all the wonderful things mother nature provides.

Everyone is more social, you spend more time outdoors instead of the inside of a box.  Maybe because I’m on a spiritual journey I feel more at peace and at home when surrounded by nature in its natural habitat.  Blank canvas’ suddenly spring to life with bulbs popping up everywhere as if someone just came and planted them there, nature is awesome.

1 Love to you all!

Spiritual Awakening

As I approach my senior years, I feel like I am finally waking up from a deep slumber.  I have removed the blinkers and I can see!  I have never been into religion, I tried many and nothing seemed to fit or make sense, but the older I get and the more in tune I get with myself I find myself drawn to spirituality in different forms.  I try to change my way of thinking and dismiss negativity out of my life.  And so far it seems to be working.  Don’t get me wrong I struggle and find it hard at times but each day it gets easier and easier.

Society doesn’t make it easy, with taxes on everything but the air we breathe, rules and regulations to make us conform to their ideals, I have had to try and uneducate myself and start from scratch.  I’m retraining my brain to be happy regardless of what hurdles are put in my path.  Working my guts out for the benefit of someone else, paying taxes for things I already own and have paid for, these are the things designed to keep us down.  I used to dream about having some nice house, car or clothes.  None of this matters if you are not happy or have peace of mind.   Ask any celebrity!   I sat down and thought about what makes me happy, none of these things I realised cost a single penny.  So now I just concentrate on being happy and everything else will fall into place.  I no longer worry about how I will be happy or why, just that I will.  Everything else is just meh, as my son would say.

I try to meditate regularly, give thanks and blessings for everything I have every morning when I awake, am incredibly grateful for all I have.  I focus on all the wonderful things in my life and all the wonderful things to come, any negative thoughts that creep in I quickly dismiss and replace with a positive one.  Now you may think I am chatting mumbo jumbo but it does work, I have tried it and try to practice this way daily (I’m the most cynical person I know) so if it works for me it can work for you.

The world is full of beautiful people and things, I refuse to be brought down by the small majority of negative people trying to keep us down.  I have always had a thing where I would say my ‘spirit’ doesn’t take to someone I just met, and it hasn’t let me down.  Some people get a ‘gut’ feeling etc. this is your spirituality telling you something, I have just taken this to another level, listen to it!

So I only surround myself with positive people and positive things, I steer clear of anything negative, if I cannot, then I try to see the positive things about them/it.  I am learning each and every day and will never stop learning.  I hope you can too.

Have yourself a fabulous and blessed day, you deserve it! 😊

 

 

Approaching 50 – Part 2

A pattern seems to be emerging. When I was in my 20s and 30s I always seemed to be attending weddings or christenings, now it seems funerals are my main social event. I’m not making light of a sad and painful occasion but it seems to be like a reunion every time I attend one these days, although its lovely to see all these faces, it’s the only time I seem to see anyone from my youth. Which I find it sad; and wish we had more get togethers for happier occasions.
I’ve never been what they call high maintenance but it takes me twice as long to wash my hair put on a bit of mascaca and choose an outfit (I now need the entire day!) and then I feel like a trussed up turkey, squashed into a dress, feet killing me because I’m wearing heels, when all I want to do is wear trackpants and flats lol.

But I’m not ready for the twin set and pearls club either. But then there are times when (possibly it’s a full moon) I want to get glammed up, sparkle and shine my brightest, it can be empowering and boost your confidence, you feel good when you look good.

I don’t want to fall into the trap of complacency and just trudge along into old age. I want to stride into old age, grab it by the throat and show it who’s boss. I want to own it!
I aim to constantly evolve into something new, enjoying different things and challenge myself. Creating a better version of myself each time.

Menopause

So, when I started to cry at EastEnders, then had a mini meltdown because I couldn’t find a tea towel that I liked, I realised either I had finally lost the plot or I was heading into the (sshhh) menopause! Or worse still, both!  Well how did that happen?  So, my brain no longer belongs to me and my body is doing strange things, this is new!

It’s kind of strange, I feel like I am entering a new world and am hoping to make it through to the other side.  Having spoken to friends and family I realise everyone’s experience is unique, but there are common symptoms.  I’m fascinated at how the human body works and how incredibly complex we are.

The menopause is supposed to be the sign you are heading into old age, but I’m not ready.  I’m happy to embrace getting older but I don’t, well, feel old!  Well maybe after a rare night out dancing and it takes me 2 days to recover!

When I feel manic and like life is on fast forward I feel blessed for my bolthole in Spain.  I can slow everything down and give my brain a chance to catch up. Everyone should have a bolthole, whether it’s the den in the attic, the garden in summer, or like me, a hideout abroad for the price of a meal out on a Saturday night.

I’ve never been one for western medicine, so for me my HRT is sunshine and serenity.  We may have to revisit this down the line!

Parenthood….. Letting Go!

I don’t think anything prepares you for parenthood. Everyone experiences it in their own way, but there are some common denominators. I realise as you get older there is no right or wrong way to raise your children, you just have to do your best and hope they turn out decent enough human beings. The first few years are a blur, endless nappies, multi-tasking like a ninja; and 2 hours’ sleep were deemed a luxury. Then comes the learning stage, which is both hilarious and hard work at the same time, but I think the hardest part is letting them go, and letting them find their own niche in the world. You hope that you have done a decent enough job so they have a good chance. Life is harsh, so if we can equip them to handle whatever life throws at them then I think we have succeeded.
My generation didn’t travel much as youngsters or have that travel bug, that so much of our children’s generation seem to have, we tended to be more focused on getting a job, so we could start earning money. I only know a handful of people that went to University, or even thought about starting their own business. Then before you knew it we were settling down and having babies. We kind of ‘fell’ into our lifestyle without thinking much about tomorrow, (of course there were always the exceptions to the rule).
Our children’s generation, in some ways are more clued up, they have a plan (and stick to it), they want to explore the world, all before 30! They are waiting longer to have children of their own and the world is their oyster if they so choose. But on the flip side they are also the lost generation, with mindless violence, child pregnancies, abusing the elderly and unable. They appear to be split down the middle. So where do we find the balance? Or is it too late for that? I often wonder what my great grandchild’s generation will be like? The one biggest benefit to having children that are grown, is it’s our time again! You are never too old to pursue your dreams!

Approaching the Big 50!

This is the post excerpt.

Getting closer to the big 50! How did that happen? I’m sure I went to bed last night aged 30! I’m excited and scared at the same time, part of me can’t wait to be able to say things that only old people are able to get away with, but part of me is scared that this is the beginning of the end. I feel OK for my age, not one for the gym or much exercise, but thankfully I was blessed with a high metabolism, I managed to roughly stay the same size throughout my life and be fairly healthy.

I definitely will be in the camp of growing old disgracefully. I will embrace the wrinkles, everything that’s gone south, but my mind will be 30 forever! Well this is the aim! I wonder if our parents felt like this? They seem to have been born in a generation that made it easier to move into the next phase. With my generation, it feels like the lines are more blurred. We don’t fit the mould! And I for one am thankful for this.

So, what are we? Yummy mummies and glam ma’s who have raised our children, but still have more to give and are not ready for the blue rinse brigade just yet. In some ways, its feels like life is just beginning, I am finally at a point in life where I am old enough to have wisdom and knowledge from living, but still young enough to do things with that knowledge, and experience life with a whole new perspective.

So, it begins, get ready we are going on an adventure!

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